How To Decide The Presidency

As I write this column we still haven’t officially elected a president.

The recount battle goes on and lawyers and judges are attempting to settle the whole issue.
Of course the Rev. Jessie  (Mr. I gotta stick me nose in everything) Jackson once again isn’t where he belongs.

I know who I voted for but win or lose I will be glad to have our country get over this mess. Whomever wins will have one hellava term which will be criticized and debated at every turn.  The real winner in this mess could very well be the loser.

The way things are going we may not have a clear winner by the next time I sit down to write. Therefore, I consider it my duty to suggest several ways this presidency could be decided without having to mess with the political and legal crap we are muddling through right now. Sure pholks, my plans may not be politically correct, but dammit any one of them would be fair and final.

Here are my suggestions:

(A) Paper, Scissors and Rock. Two out of three games of this tried and true game. Rocks really do break scissors and scissors do cut paper, etc.

(B) Short Straw wins. Perhaps this is the real true test based strictly on luck. No advisors, no lawyers, no judicial rulings listed. Pre-measured straws with at least three inches difference in length.

(C) A Spelling Bee. Words picked from a hat so no one can argue that George W. or Big Al got easier words. Words and names would include world leaders, sports heroes, (tennis not included), movie stars, historical figures, legal terms, Internet terms, and vegetables. No advisors allowed, especially former vice presidents.

(D) Stud poker. Each would be given a $1 million (from campaign funds) stake with the first to go broke being the loser. Both would have to wear short sleeves.

(E) Pie-eating contest. Apple pie, of course, with a 30-minute time limit.

(F) A no-holds-bared wrestling match, two out of three falls. Mills Lane would be the ref.   And no pretty, busty, scantily clad bimbos would be allowed ringside.

(G) Coin toss.

(H) Best heart rate following a brisk 1 ½ mile walk or climb up Statue of Liberty stairs.

(I) Watermelon seed spitting contest.

(J) Best total score after back-to-back rounds of Jeopardy, Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and Family Feud.

(K) First to come up with a workable Middle East peace plan.

(L) Each given the same kid's toy in a box (e.g. bicycle) the first to have it up and running wins.

Of course, pholks these are just a few suggestions, but I think it would be a fair way to select our leader. And heck, the loser could sharpen up his skills and be ready for the next presidential playoff  in four years.

No more voting, no more debates and no-more legal hassels.

SPEAKING OF VOTES, it looks like Trent Dilfer, the former Fresno State star quarterback and veteran NFL signal caller has been elected the leader of the Baltimore Ravens, taking over the starting assignments.

Bill Clayton, Dilfer’s partner in the auto dealerships in Porterville, Delano and Lemoore, spoke with Dilfer’s agent this week shortly after Dilfer’s outstanding winning performance last weekend.

Clayton, who usually has contact with the agent rather than Trent himself during the season to allow the quarterback to concentrate solely on football, reports that Dilfer is “Absolutely excited” about the team’s playoff hopes and thrilled with his teammates’ support since taking over the starting job.