Cell Phone Blues

Having a meal out, even if it is at your favorite fast food joint, a nice restaurant, a cafe, or a fine dining establishment is a treat for most of us.

It’s a way to start the day, a lunch break or an escape for an evening meal with family, friends, a lover, a co-worker or any combination thereof. Or just by yourself.

And then it happens. Someone’s cell phone starts chirping out some little ditty, something like “Dixie,” “Reveille,” “The William Tell Overture” (Lone Ranger theme) “Grande Valse,” or the “Entertainer” the famed theme from the film “The Sting.” I kid you not pholks, those are from a list of about 20 options on a family member’s cell phone. Probably some genius figured that a little tune would make the ringing of a cell phone less irritating. Wrong.

I admit cell phones are a great thing, if used right. Trouble is, they are out of control and it’s getting worse each day. Probably more lives have been lost than have been saved by cell phones. I’ve no proof of that statement but I bet some such study of that has been made. Nevertheless, that’s my take on the subject and I’m sticking to it.

First, let’s focus on the use of these damned little things in public, starting with eating establishments. Generally I can’t afford to go on a regular basis to dining establishments places where cell phones are disallowed. But I applaud businesses which outlaw cell phones. Some restaurants require a tie, disallow tank tops and other garb. Nearly every business has one of those “No Shirt, No Shoes No Service” signs. I think they should have signs stating “No %%#@#ing Cell Phones.” There are restaurants which loan ties and there are those where ties are cut off. There should be places where a ringing cell phone is smashed to bits, unless the call is an actual emergency.

Emergencies should be the “only” reason for use of a cell phone. Real emergencies. Stuff for which 911  is needed. In the “old days” it was rare that a football, baseball or basketball game wasn’t interrupted by the public address announcer calling for a doctor or someone to answer a call or handle an emergency. Of course some lawyers, doctors and others even abused that situation using it as sort of free advertising. Calls like  “Doctor Hesa Starr please call your office” or “Attorney Dewey of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe please call five five five one three four seven right away” are rarely heard today.

Instead every person old enough to hold one has a cell phone and uses it at least four times a game or at least twice in a restaurant and three times in the supermarket isles or checkout stands. For a while I was outraged at all the kids and their cells. But it didn’t take long to see where the little brats got their habits and their lack of manners.

Cell phones are good, I say, but only when they are needed. The typical call in a restaurant goes something like this:   “Oh hi. Yea I’m in Cafe La Petite with Mary and Robert. We’re having the darkened salmon with a nice little salad. Sure, I heard about Susan. I didn’t think she was going to get pregnant. Can you image her as a mother? Oh, Frank won’t be home until seven thirty and I’ve got to take Scott to soccer practice and Melissa to dance class so I won’t be home until seven forty-five. No I don’t know what to wear Saturday night. I think maybe my blue wrap with those new navy blue pumps Hey, maybe we can do lunch here next Thursday.  Check your schedule and call be right back. Bye.”

Or the guy in the table next to you who gets a call just as you and your wife or significant other are speaking softly about the quiet romantic evening you will have. After 20 seconds of some obnoxious electronically produced so-called ringing he pulls the cell from his pocket and says. “ Hey dude, what’s up. Right on bro. I got a call into Chuck and he is working on getting a tee time at nine thirty tomorrow. I gotta a date tonight with that hot chick from The Bull and Chips and we’re going to down a few.  I’m gonna score. I just know it. You see her new Beamer?. And how about her headlights.....”

So much for your romantic plans for the every. Your nice quiet lunch has the both of you pissed at the jerk and his damned phone.

ask you pholks how many times in the last two years have you been in a restaurant or at a ball game, a concert, or a movie when someone got a call and ran out yelling that their house was on fire, their kids or spouse was in the emergency room or someone was in jail?

I could go on but I think you get the point. I’m not really an important enough person to be called on via cell phone. Those who know me know how to get a message to me in no more than twenty minutes. And my phone rings the old fashioned way....ring, ring, ring.

If I’ve offended you and you want to tell me so. Write me a note or give me a call ...at my home or office.