March 7, 2001

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I'm no longer a virgin.

I didn't get sick during my first time.

I didn't have to take Viagra and still I was so good at part of it, it got video taped and I was awarded a trophy for my performance.

And, if I get the chance I'd love to do it again. And again.

Yep pholks, my wife Kathy and I collected on a generous Christmas present from her daughter and son-in-law and went on our first cruise.

A couple of weeks ago we "sailed" from Los Angeles harbor to Catalina Island then to Ensenada, Mexico on a four-day trip along with about 1,400 other pholks and a crew on more than 600. The ship, the Holiday, was aptly named.

Hundreds of times I had heard that the service and the food on a cruise ship are outstanding. It's true. It's true.

Even if you are not a big eater, the food on a cruise ship is very difficult to pass up. Heck, within 30 minutes of boarding the ship lunch was served, buffet style, on the Lido deck with freshly cooked hamburgers, assorted salads, raviolies, grilled chicken breasts, fresh pizzas, hot dogs, polish sausages, fruits, vegetables, juices, hot and iced tea, milk, coffee, a half dozen desserts including ice cream were in never ending abundance.

But that was just the regular food. The dining room meals, breakfast, lunch and dinner were more formal and the service was outstanding. We had been told that if we saw something special on the menu we should ask for a second, or even a third plate when the waiter took our orders. It worked.

If I wanted two beef Wellington dinners, I got ‘em. If I wanted two or more lobster dinners, I got ‘em. One meal featured Escargot as a "starter" so I started with two orders. They were great. I followed those up with a prime rib dinner, a roasted tom turkey dinner and I also polished off someone else's fish fillet. Dessert was also excellent.

The story of food goes on and on but I will end it here, except to mention the only "disaster" of the trip which had to do with meals. Because three in our family have diabetes, we asked for the early dining seating. Somehow we were assigned late seating and had to make a change. The change, however, resulted in our being seated for the entire cruise with a family with three small boys. Three small and cute boys from hell whom, their parents later bragged, were really well behaved--in day care--while mom, (early 30s) and dad (early 60s) worked. It was strange, according to the parents, how different the boys were at home and out in public.

The antics these kids went through would have been funny in a Chevy Chase movie. Our waiters were excellent in dealing with the situation but the parents should be happy that my wife controlled her husband. For more details about the kids from hell send a self-addressed envelope to me and I'll send you more info.

Several other capers made this virgin cruise memorable. For instance:

Without a watch or a wall clock, I awoke one morning and checked out the muted tv in our cabin. We'd left the set on to serve as a night light. With limited channels on the tv, I watched the muted Today Show on what I thought was the West Coast affiliate. The screen showed the time as a few minutes after 7 a.m. Being as quiet as possible, I showered, shaved and got dressed waking none of the family. I took the elevator to the upper deck to enjoy the breakfast spread and enjoy my early morning coffee.

Except for two workmen sipping their coffee from their own stash I saw nobody on deck. It was really dark outside and pretty lonely considering about 2100 other people on the ship were still asleep. It was about 7:30 a.m by then.---on the East Coast.

My other most memorable caper concerned winning the ship's "Game Show" contest, sort of a trivia competition.

On the last full day of the trip one of the premier activities in the main show room was a game in which those who wanted put their names in a box from which contestants were drawn at random. Although each person was supposed to enter only once, some pholks, including me, increased the odds by entering more than that. I used my middle name on my second entry. Of course the first name drawn from several hundred entries was Louis Shuper. So ‘ol Louis from Woodlake California won the first round and was among four finalists. Louis won the whole thing. He got a trophy, a bottle of champagne and a $150 valued art print, suitable, I might add, for framing.

Of course Louis was interviewed by the ship's video cameraman and the whole thing was broadcast continually on one of several closed circuit channels around the clock. Louis introduced himself as Miles "Louis" Shuper from Woodlake.

A couple of hours after the live event, Miles, aka Louis, and his wife were walking on deck when a couple hollered for "Louis" who failed to respond until his wife elbowed him and whispered in his ear that someone was seeking his attention. They were from Visalia and the guy had lived in Woodlake. "Louis" introduced himself as Miles Louis Shuper and had a brief chat.

Small world.

Further proof of that came when I offered to take a photo of a retired couple from Oxnard who were singing the praises of Colorado and Coors beer with two rather attractive adult women whom, it turned out, were from Colorado Springs and had escaped the snow and cold to enjoy the cruise.

When I mentioned Visalia, the man, Jerry Loudermilk, a retired general contractor, said he had lived in Visalia in 1942 and his dad used to drive truck across the Grapevine. He and his wife, Carole, were enjoying their Christmas present from his kids. Small world.

The fact that both Colorado women, Birdie Martin and Marilee Kindaide, had government jobs led to a lively discussion. Birdie worked in the waste water department in Colorado Springs and Marilee worked for the Colorado State Department of Corrections. Lots of jokes.

Even if you don't try, a person can learn a lot on a cruise.

Like most brand new former virgins, I can hardly wait for the next time.

My wife says it was good for her too.