July 4, 2001

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What If

"Hey, George, You won't believe how many Indians are over the hill waiting for you guys. Back off General. Wait for reinforcements. You hear?"

Or how about this! "Attention! Attention! Alert! All hands on deck. All hands on deck! This is not a drill. The Japanese will be here at Pearl in 20 minutes."

You see pholks, cell phones can serve a purpose. If invented long long ago they could have changed the course of history. Wars could have been prevented, or their outcomes turned one hundred and eighty degrees. Lives could have been saved, fortunes made, financial ruin avoided and political careers made or saved.

What if Mary and Joseph had whipped out their cell phone and called ahead for reservations? What if the Donner Party had a cell phone and were able to call for directions or at least for a long-range weather report?

What would have happened at the Alamo if either side had been able to make a call? Would we even have to remember what happened there?

What if Abe Lincoln would have gotten a call earlier in the day from one of his buddies. A call like:

"Hey Abe, ‘ol buddy, we got a poker game late. Come on over. Forget that play." And Abe, might have skipped Ford's Theater and, with that honest face of his, won a few bucks. Who knows what changes in American history would have occurred.

And what if one of the deck hands or even a passenger on deck of the Titanic would have seen the iceberg five to 10 minutes earlier and dialed the ship's captain.

What if the Watergate burglars had secure cellphones and avoided detention. Would Richard Nixon avoided having to concoct a coverup operation? Careers could have been saved. Perhaps Tricky Dicky would not have had to deny he was a crook and had to resign when it came out that he was.

If Chris Columbus had a cellphone and used it to get directions in the middle of the Atlantic he might have changed course and not bumped into this continent, (actually an off-shore Island). What would native Americans be called if not Indians if Chris hadn't mistaken his landing site as India?

So you see pholks, cellphones are important. But very damned few, in any, of today's cellphone fanatics have shown any useful purpose in using the contraptions.

This week there has been news that New York has passed a law banning hand held use in moving vehicles. Other laws are pending. Hands-free use is still allowed which I think is still a mistake. It's the lack of concentration by the drivers which leads to trouble.

Some pholks have mentioned that they see some drivers reading newspapers, books and maps while driving. That is terrible, but even worse is that now some of those jerks are using their cellphones at the same time they're reading. I've seen it.

If things weren't bad enough, some of us who know better are being forced to pay attention to cellphone abusers and we are losing our concentration on what we should be doing. It's darned hard to keep your eyes on the road when some jerk in the other lane or maybe behind you is drawing your attention by yakking on his damn cell. It's a dangerous situation.

George Custer would have been justified in answering his cellphone. The blond in the Buick, soccer mom in the SUV and the jerk in the restaurant are just dumb, inconsiderate and deserve to be told so.