August 1, 2001

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The Guest

One of my favorite columnists is Dave Berry, a guy who thinks much the same as I do on issues of human behavior.

So it was a pleasure the other day when I read a recent a column in which he seemed to read my mind. He got his take on the issue in print before me but his thoughts helped me put my companion notions into fast-forward.

Actually, my wife brought Dave's column to my attention immediately telling me that he had written something which would interest me. In fact, she said, "I couldn't stop thinking about you when I read this," adding that "it sounds exactly like something you would write."

So of course I read it and right away I broke into a broad grin, thrust my fist into the air and yelled, "Right on Dave, right on."

Dave's subject centered around being a guest in a friend or relative's home. Topics included fancy guest towels, bedspreads, quilts, dust ruffles and assorted "merchandising" as TV interior design guru Christopher Lowell would proclaim, which to me have always said, "look but don't touch." Yes pholks, these things have often played on my mind and caused me considerable mental torture and made some of my overnight stays less than comfortable.

Maybe it was the teachings of my mother or my mates which have been instilled into my brain that fancy guest towels, primo quilts and pillows are to look at but not to touch and never never never for deposit of body debris. Or it could be that I myself have developed this paranoia of being responsible for hand prints on the fancy towels or sweat on the pillows or cases. Afraid that I would be talked about by my host to his or her friends after my visit. I could just hear my host saying, "You wouldn't believe that Miles, he used my $50 monogrammed guest towels to wipe his grimy hands after washing up before dinner. And you wouldn't believe what that rude little bugger did to the creases on my percale pillow cases."

This really is a guy issue, in most cases, for the most part. I bet there are thousands of guys who have wiped their hands on their pants, shorts or shirts rather than used a fancy guest towel. I have even used toilet tissue to wipe my hands rather than mess up a nice towel which was folded just so.

Another thing which bothers me is what to do with all those fancy pillows my host puts on the bed. Do I dare throw them on the floor as I get ready to go to bed? Do I carefully stack them in the corner after putting a towel on the floor? And, in order to do that I have to hunt around for an everyday towel to use as a pillow protector mat.

I don't know about you pholks, but I find it hard to go to sleep with a fancy bedspread or comforter in someone else's bed. The thought that I might accidently create a rip or drool or sneeze on it, makes me restless. I toss and turn which makes the situation even worse. I get up in the morning so tired that I feel like I haven't slept in a week.

But there is another part to this host-guest thing which is even more disturbing for a guy. That's trying to convince your wife to put out the everyday towels, pillowcases and bedspreads when guests come to your house. Trying to tell her that doing so will make the brother and sister-in-law, the uncle and aunt or the old college buddy and his wife and kids "feel right at home" is a waste of breathe. It can lead to such a verbal battle that the visit becomes a terrible experience.

Although I don't have any sure-fire solution just a couple of suggestions which might work. Perhaps the wife could buy some medium quality towels, sheets and pillow cases and maybe even a comforter and stitch in the phase "guests use only," or "for our family and friends," or even "these are just for you, they aren't fancy or expensive. Have a nice stay."

And don't forget the curtains or blinds in the guest room. I hate to try and open curtains which look like they just came from the dry cleaners and took two hours to be hung just so. I'm always scared that if I try to open or shut them something terrible will happen. Of course, we all know never to try and pull on those spring loaded window shades which thankfully seem to be going out of style. You know what I mean. The ones which suddenly, for no reason, zoom to the top with the "flaaaap! flaaasp! Zzzip, zap, whuuup, whuuup"Never touch those things, especially at someone's else's place. Heck, pholks, I can recall being scared out of my skins by one of those things going up when I just walked by.

Never put them in a guest room and never touch one of them in someone else's room. Ask the host to make any adjustments.

Being a good host is important. Being a good guest also is important...and certainly not an easy job.