The world needs a lot of things, but pholks I can't figure purple catsup--or Ketchup--being in the top ten thousand items which would benefit mankind.

Fifty-seven has been a wonderful number for Heinz--especially with that steak sauce--which at last glance still has a delectable soft and rich brown color. Fifty-seven, which coincidentally is my age, will always be known for Chevys and Heinz. I'm pretty darned sure that 57 is no longer an accurate tally of the Heinz varieties but their "57 varieties" motto will not be changed any time soon.

Heck pholks, just a year ago Heinz Squirt Blastin' Green was put on the market and more than 10 million bottles were sold in the first seven months causing Heinz factories to crank out the stuff 24 hours a day, seven days a week to keep up with the demand. I never bought any Bustin' Green but since I do use green taco sauce and salsa I let the green catsup thing slide.

But green tomatoes and salsa actually had little to do with the green goop Heinz marketed so successfully as evidenced by a recent statement from some person named Casey Kelelr, managing director for Ketchup, Condiments and Sauces at Heinz North America. According to Casey "The tremendous success of Heinz EZ Squirt Blastin' Green showed us that kids love decorating their food with colors that are bright, wild, even a little..funky." So, added Casey, "Literally thousands of people called, wrote or e-mailed us demanding a new Heinz EZ Squirt color, and the vast majority of kids asked for purple."

Of course the company paid attention to the kids, the consumers of more than half the catsup in the U.S., and came up with the purple prototype of the colored condiment.

Funky they wanted, funky they got. I, for one, have never associated funky with my food. But then I'm 57. That probably explains a lot. I don't recall having any purple toys, heros or underwear when I was a kid. I do admit to having one pair of purple underwear today, but that, pholks, is another story.

Anyway, back to purple catsup and further comments from another Heinz executive who said, "Boys and girls alike love the cool purple color. Just look at kids entertainment and you'll find everything from purple computers to Harry Potter purple lightening bolts. Purple is a bold, fun color that brings a hint of mystery and magic to kids' condiment creations."

He didn't mention that $%^&@#$* ing purple dinosaur, an indication that Heinz' executive pay some attention to adults.

I will not use purple catsup or Ketchup and the grandkids will have to get their's somewhere else but not in my house. They will have to settle for an orange orange, a yellow banana, green peas, peach colored peaches and mustard colored mustard. And if they are super good they will get their choice or green or black olives.

The above stories are the property of The Valley Voice Newspaper and may not be reprinted without explicit permission in writing from the publisher.