September 5, 2001

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A New Magic Kingdom

Just when this political correctness thing seems to have lost its momentum something seems to happen to breathe new live into this social trend.

Hardly anyone gives a second thought today to terms "chairperson" or "spokesperson" or "letter carrier" or other unisex titles. And when the fabled Disneyland did away with wench-chasing pirates in the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction in 1997 it seemed that we had reached the peak of political correctness in the so-called Happiest Place In The World. A few applauded this deed but most just smirked, rolled their eyes or threw up their hands.

Now four years later those sensitive Disney pholks have again saved us from the real world by halting the make-believe shooting of the make-believe hippopotamuses on the legendary Jungle Cruise, a ride which has amused, thrilled and enchanted millions of visitors to the Magic Kingdom for decades. The boat ride skippers can't even pretend to scare the hippos by firing their blank-filled guns skyward ‘cause they don't have guns.

So today the Pirates of the Caribbean chase after trays of food instead of busty and provocative vixens, the hippos are free to do their scaring of the boat passengers and Tom Sawyer's Island has no rifles.

Well pholks, I think this stuff is getting out of hand. I can just see what could happen in the next couple of years.

A revamped Tea Cup ride will feature giant cups which don't rotate but just wobble around a circular track thus avoiding potential criticism of someone putting the wrong "spin" on things.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Goofy and other animal characters will be retired because some animal rights activists will have convinced someone that it's wrong to demean even make-believe animals (including rodents) by dressing them in human garb.

No hotdogs, hamburgers or corndogs or any other flesh food will be allowed in the Kingdom because it is not right to kill any creature for food.

Tinkerbell will no longer be called a fairy but rather a spirit. "Tink" as he/she will be called, will wear a unisex jumpsuit and will speak in a deeper voice.

If those Disney pholks were as smart as they claim they would do this:

Create "Reality World" which I think would be a great thing for all ages.

To get into "Reality World" visitors would wait in a long line with park employees planted in line equipped with cell phones and beepers which would go off constantly while "hired" babies and toddlers scream and yell and a dozen or two 2-year-olds run unattended.

Rides would include "The Freeway Commute," "The Collection Agency Gauntlet," "Gangland/Drive-by," the "Obnoxious Service Clerk" and the "Fast Food Order Taker Scramble."

The "Freeway" attraction would feature a mile-long ride taking one-hour. Fellow "commuters" driving in a variety of SUVs, pickup trucks, mini-vans, sedans, sports cars, and other assorted vehicles would have cell-phone users, all creeping at a snails pace, flipping fingers, cursing and screaming.

The"Fast Food" adventure ride would offer prizes for riders who could place an order and get an intelligible and correct response in one try. The "super sized" reward would be a free re-ride redeemable at any participating Disney theme park.

Of course the "Drive-by" ride and others featuring violence, would include no real bullets and safety knives and such but the language and nudity would be real. So would "The Office Experience" where visitors would be placed in an office complete with all the traditional office types, from the gun-chewing dumb office assistant to the office gossip, to the sexually overcharged boss who thinks his toupe is great and his appeal to females is unmatched.

Concessions would include a pharmacy where $5 per bottle pills are sold for $47, a steak house where each steak is over or under-cooked according to how the order is placed and the soup is always served luke warm.

"Reality World" would also feature an airport where visitors could attempt to book a flight to a destination of their choice. The flight must, of course, include three plane transfers and checked-in luggage. Visitors would be limited to those who could pass a frustration level test.

Why, you ask, would anyone pay to visit "Reality Work" when they encounter the real thing every day.

Well pholks, having all these adventures in one day, in a relatively safe and super clean environment with no lingering after effects would be a sought after adventure.

At $200 a day, $50 for children under 6, it would be a bargain. As the motto would read, "That's Life."