Forgive me Father for I have Sinned

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

But trust me, I can explain.

I used a cell phone in a public place. An eating place, no less.

But I can explain.

I made an outgoing call. It did not ring on my end in public, something I absolutely wouldn't allow. I was on a mission of seeking information which several guys in the morning coffee group asked of me. I didn't have the exact answer but I knew where I could get it. I was going to use the restaurant phone but one of the guys had his cell. I yielded to temptation. Forgive me Father.

It was not an emergency. But pholks, I wasn't interrupting anyone else in the place. I got my information and passed it on to the group. The whole thing lasted less than a minute. But the damage was done. I knew my rear was in a sling as soon as I used that cell. The guys all know my feelings about cell phone use. The finger pointing, the cat calls, the teasing, the phrase "There goes his credibility" was repeated several times.

I stammered and stuttered a little bit as I tried to justify my stupid, thoughtless action but I knew immediately that I was had.

It's been several days since my screw up but the word is still spreading. At least a half dozen pholks who missed the actual event have laid it on me. Every single time the group has met since that morning of the "cell phone caper" my entrance into the coffee place has generated a not so quiet murmur. I know it will get worse before it gets better but still the taste of crow is hard to wash away. A guy can only drink so much coffee and iced tea. Since I drink nothing harder these days that crow taste will linger for quite a while.

As I said, Father I have sinned. But it was just a momentary slip. A minor discretion. I think forgiveness is justified. Please give me a sign that my confession is worthy of forgiveness. But please put it in writing. Don't call, especially in the morning. Especially at the coffee shop. Especially on any of the guy's cell phones.

IF YOUR RECALL IS WORKING you may remember last year we discussed purple ketchup which the H.J. Heinz Company began marketing in the goopy wake of it's success in green ketchup which it introduced in 2000.

In case you don't remember, the Heinz marketing pholks scored big in getting kids to force their parents into buying "Blastin' Green" in plastic squeeze bottle which let kids color their food with precision. The company couldn't keep the junk on the store shelves and production was added in an attempt to keep up with demand. They followed that up with purple ketchup.

Well pholks, just when you thought it was safe to shove the shopping cart down the cell phone user clogged market isles without kids dashing for the ketchup, Heinz has slipped it to us adults again.

In a couple of months Heinz will be filling its shelf spaces with a new line of Ore-Ida frozen potato product called "Funky Fries" Five, count ‘em five, new shapes, colors and flavors will be yelling at kids who will yell at their parents to buy the stupid things.

According to the Associated Press and Heinz officials, the new frozen potato morsels will range from "Crunch Rings" Tatertots with a hole in the middle and fries flavored with sour cream and chives to cinnamon-and-sugar "Cinna Stiks."

Haven't had enough? How about a sky blue french fry with the cool name of "Kool Blue" or brown chocolate flavored "CocoaCrispers" which Heinz boldly admits is for kids with a sweet tooth."

Wow, what a great idea. Feed your kids french fries. If that doesn't screw up their nutritional intake, throw some chocolate in.

A year ago the company started out with a list of 50 ideas to make kids want to eat more french fries. I guess if there is a bright spot in the paring down of the 50 suggested new products it is that Fruit-Loop-flavored fries didn't make the cut.

That is all the good news I could come up with.

Forgive me.

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