The Wonders of Duct Tape

The two guys who make a living writing and performing their shtick about the wonders of duct tape gotta be smirking out loud–if that is possible–with the news this week that the famed adhesive really is a good way to remove warts.

Now pholks, who among us doesn't have a duct tape story? But when medical researchers come right out and say that duct tape is more effective and less painful than using liquid nitrogen to freeze off the skin growths you can't help but feel proud.

Although I had never heard of the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, I find it refreshing to learn that a doctor who claims the folklore type remedy really works has been vindicated by the scientific community in the October issue of the publication.

It was just a year ago that a dermatologist was quoted in another publication that he had been prescribing duct tape treatment for his patients desperate to rid themselves of warts. Only fingers are involved. Instead of prescribing over-the-counter medications or other methods, Dr. Jerome Litt of University Hospitals wraps the finger with the tape and squeezes it tight. The tape is on for six and one-half days then the patient takes it off, soaks it in water, uses an emery board or pumice stone to scrape the area, and after a few hours puts it back on for another six days.

Without going into all the details, suffice it to say that method works.

According to one researcher, the duct tape irritated the warts and that apparently kicked the immune system into attacking the growths. Tests showed that of two test groups, the ones using the duct tape cure had an 85 per cent success rate. Those using the freezing method had only a 60 per cent wart removal success.

Is this truly a major medical advance, you might ask. I don't think so, and I doubt that even Martha Stewart would rush to sell her stock in liquid nitrogen or other supplies used in the traditional wart removal process if she were tipped off about this duct tape revolution.

Getting back to the point of this whole thing, I have new-found hope that some of my ideas for duct tape might be taken more seriously. Consider, if you will, that disruptive students be duct taped to keep them quiet. Not a medical issue now and the courts might not be compelled to consider it harsh and unusual punishment. Let's run a test in school rooms.

How about duct tapping the speakers at the fast-food drive through so that only your voice can be heard. With only digital readouts on the order screen used to confirm your order, customers could block out the annoying, unintelligible and misunderstood replies from the window order takers. Just duct tape the loudspeaker and leave the order-taking device open.

I think being able to duct tape cell phones to block out the obnoxious ringers would be a great cultural advance. If that doesn't work, duct taping the cell phone to the head of an obnoxious cell phone user would be a pleasure.

To reduce the weight of the load students tote across campus, how about issuing each of them a roll of tape. Tape their books, lunch sacks and whatever to their backs, eliminate the weight of backpacks by 20 to 30 percent. Keep the books the same weight instead of making them smaller.

I'll come up with more ideas at a later date. Right now I gotta get to the wash room and peel off the "don't turn on the ball game until the dishes are done" note my wife has duct taped to my forehead.

---

The above stories are the property of The Valley Voice Newspaper and may not be reprinted without explicit permission in writing from the publisher.