Twas the Night Before Christmas

"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house

Everyone had a cell phone, even the mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

in hopes more Sprint, AT&T and Nextel calling cards soon would be there.

The kids were all snuggled asleep in their beds

while visions of picture phones danced in their heads.

While ma in her kerchief and I in my cap

had just settled in for a long overdue nap.

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter

I jumped out of bed to see what the hell was the matter.

But what to my wondering ears did I hear

but seven ringing cell chimes sounding so near.

I jumped from the bed, tried to throw open the sash

got tangled in the bedding and fell on my ass.

I got to the window to steal a glance

neglecting to stop to put on my pants.

I heard some weird noises coming from the roof

it could've been Santa, but I wanted some proof.

I couldn't believe what I saw that night.

Right there on our roof standing in plain sight

was some strange looking skinny fellow

dressed in sweats of purple, green and yellow.

I called to my wife, "I can't believe what I'm seeing

there's some guy on our roof, I think he's peeing."

Immediate fear—this guy had no sleigh, no reindeer,

suddenly he turned, putting his hand to his ear.

He stood there shouting and yelling and yelling.

My wife was crying and I had thoughts about killing.

But it was Christmas and that wouldn't be good

I wanted him to vanish, if only he would

The dogs started barking the cats began to meow

This jerk was yelling "Can you hear me now?"

Well, I'll tell you pholks how I handled this deal

Putting Christmas Eve back on an even keel.

I pounded my palms together to activate The Clapper

which turned on a light along with the bug zapper.

I hunted high and low, seeking something to throw

But all I accomplished was stubbing my toe.

All of a sudden I began to think

"I have a weapon on the bathroom sink.

Slowly but surely I made my way there

grabbing this thing with bright green hair.

I went to the window, wound up and made my throw

I knocked that sucker off into the snow.

I believe he was just wounded, certainly not dead

I'd cold-cocked that fool with my Chia Head.

The cell phones were quiet the rest of the night

I was able to sleep after clapping off the light.

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