The Weekly World News

Valley Voice Publisher and Editor John Lindt takes pride, as do I, in getting the big local stories first.

Lots of pholks tells us we do a pretty good job of that, despite the fact that we publish only twice a month.

So last week when John came into the office waving another paper and announcing "We've been scooped" it drew some attention.

There were at least a dozen major stories in this publication which we had no idea about. But since at first glance none of the major stories seemed to have any local connection we didn't panic. But just to be sure, John decided I should check things out. He said, he was too busy with having to go home and sort his socks, clean out the papers in the Voice delivery car and prepare for the inventory of the office supply of paper clips. I faked a smile and went to work.

What follows is my brief report on each of several top stories in the recent edition of the "Weekly World News":

HEADLINE: "Saddam & Osama Adopt Shaved Ape Baby" This was under a smaller headline which noted the adoption came "One Month After Their Gay Wedding Shocked The World."

Well, lets's just say that although the headline was a shocker alright, it was nothing compared to the full page front page photo of the happy couple and the ape baby who is being kissed on the forehead by Saddam and Osama looks on proudly.

I checked out the center spread photo and story learning that the news "is sure to set terrorists' hearts aflutter, the animal rights groups that delivered the chimp to a go-between" who vowed the chip child was going to a "good home" claimed they were lied to. Of course they want the "little critter" back. Since nobody, not ever the CIA can find the newlyweds, it is not likely the chimp kiddy will ever be returned.

No local connection there, I concluded after checking several local adoption agencies, the SPCA and a couple of local terrorists.

HEADLINE: "Choose Your Partner–Bush To Enforce Mandatory Square Dancing Law!"

The story says the Prez is sure that action will put the country back on an even keel. He is moving quickly, the reporter states "to make square dancing a weekly must for citizens of all ages." The tale also notes that "Dance Callers" are being retained in secret locations around America and are ready for the "government -funded square dance blitz due to hit the thousands of communities in all 50 states on Jan. 1."

This whole thing is too outrageous I concluded after reading that the President is considering a new cabinet appointment, a Secretary of Calling and is even considering former President Bill Clinton to head that cabinet position. Ha, I say. The same goes for the rumor that Bush is being challenged by Vice President Dick Cheney who claims square dancing is too demanding and suggests that Chubby Checker and his 1960 dance sensation the Twist be the mandatory national dance. Cheney reportedly said that everyone, even himself, can do it.

I checked with several local groups at the PPAV hall and other non-secret locations and was told that too much skill is involved and to make square dancing mandatory would be a disaster.

HEADLINE: "Real Genius Surprise - Women With Big Boobs Are Smarter, Study Shows"

The photo of Anna Nicole Smith with the caption that her IQ should be in the genius category, is just utterly unbelievable. Nice photo, stupid conclusion.

The story notes that a study of 1,200 women comes in the wake of a report that blonde rocket scientists outnumber brunettes. The study reportedly shows that women "with big busts average 10IQ points higher than less well-endowed women." The story goes on suggest several theories why bigger boobs result in more smarts but I won't insult my readers intelligence detailing them. But I might consider looking deeper into the potential uplifting story at a later date. Cross my heart.

HEADLINE: "Authentic Cannibal Stew Pots For Sale On E-Bay"
Subhead: "Vatican set to bid on vats used to cook missionaries"

Well pholks, of course the story included the line "Collectors are bidding an arm and a leg"...for those collectibles.

The alleged distributor, a Brazilian, claims the pots "are the genuine article,. Each pot is more than 100 years old, is guaranteed to have stewed at least one missionary, and comes with a certificate of authenticity.

Now pholks, are you ready for this? The story notes that collectors want pots which show wear and tear, but haven't been overused or abused." And "Soot is a good thing and so is a speck of dried flesh or blood." And, chips and cracks are bad. If a pot has been scrubbed clean, the value goes way down.

No local connection according to my survey of antique and collectible shops in a three-county area. Local shop owners suggested I go cook myself.

HEADLINE: "God's Beard Found"
Subhead: "DNA Matches Samples From Shroud Of Turin, Says Expert"

Story notes that the tuft of "ermine-white haired, which apparently was yanked from the Lord's face as he leaned over to sniff a flower, matched DNA taken from Christ's burial cloth–the sacred Shroud of Turin."

I decided it was no story for me to try and prove or disprove. Let the Biblical scholars fight it out–they have lots more experience that I.

One more HEADLINE: "Alien Tourists Trashed The Moon"
Subhead: "Apollo 11 Astronauts Picked Up Garbage Before Taking Pictures Of Lunar Landing."

Story claims that our moon is a tourist spot for aliens who love to hike the craters and mountains and take advantage of the awesome views of earth. An alien interviewed by one of the scientists interviewed for the story praised the great beauty of the earth adding that people from his planet had been regularly visiting the moon for about 10,000 years.

Well pholks, I believe in aliens and all, but I question the moon litter thing. Makes no sense.

Anyway. Pholks, I still have some work to do on checking out these stories. But I've told John I'm pretty confident we didn't get scooped on any local biggies.

Trust me.

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