The New Breakthroughs

It's a couple of weeks early for my Salad Shooter, Chia Pet and Clapper nightmare, but pholks, I anticipate my annual Christmas gift horror is going to get worse.

This week I saw my first Clapper TV ad but that's not the big problem. .I'm scared to death that things are going to be added to my nightmare gift list.

Technology is exploding as we all know. Granted the Clapper, the Salad Shooter and the Chia Pet are not high tech marvels. In my opinion, they are gifts for simple minded persons to give to other simple minded persons or as a prank gift.. I bet anything that Santa gets very few requests for any of the Terrible Trio. But with gadget inventions going crazy and our society eager for the newest of anything, there seems to me, little hope for a common sense society.

The cause for my consternation this holiday season arrived via TV when I first saw an ad for Black and Decker Lids Off Jar Opener.

Help opening a jar has always been a cultural fact. And for persons with a hand or wrist or other disability which makes that chore almost impossible, help is appreciated. I have seen numerous opener devices and aides, such as one screwed or glued to a solid surface. And heaven knows I've been asked hundreds of times to help loosen a stubborn jar lid. I admit having asked for help. And the phrase " well, I loosened it for you" spoken to the eventual hero is a universal response.

But now we have an electrical appliance to add to the kitchen counter. The Black and Decker model goes for $50 at Macy's and $28 at WalMart. It may have been on special at some stores the morning after Thanksgiving, but I didn't check.. There probably are knock-off electric jar lid openers headed to our shores.

My wife is not going to get one of these from me. And I'm pretty confident that if she somehow gets one under the Christmas tree she has enough respect for me ,never to use it, at least not in my presence. Even if I can't open a jar lid with my bare hands, I will find another way. A rubber gripper, pounding on the drain board, knocking on the bottom of the jar, or calling someone else. The jar will be opened. But not with an electric gadget Not in my home.

It gets worse.

While researching the jar gadget on the Internet for me, my wife found some other devices which she immediately realized would light a fire in me.

This is for real pholks. How about a d self-stirring motorized cup? It's called the Moo Mixer. This is what the promotion stated: "This is a nifty little gadget that creates a tornado in the glass at a touch of a button. Absolutely brilliant for making milkshakes, and as it is a glass as well, you even cut down on washing up! Cool, practical and fun." A customer review, from someone or something called the Master Chef, states " not only does it mix chocolate milk, it adds air to it to make it nice and frothy, so it tastes way better than mixing it by hand. Good Stuff!" No Moo Mixer for me. I think it is bull stuff.

Not silly enough? How about a "Mobile Phone Call Sensor Pen?"

A what? Yep pholks, it's a pen which flashes when you get a call. "If every one had one of these, the world would be a lot quieter place (and less stressful) Replace your phone impression of Vivald's Four Seasons, with a simple flashing light. Just turn the ring off on your phone and the pen will sense an incoming call signal and will flash to alert you..." Does it write?

One more pholks and I gotta get to bed and fight off the nightmare.

I know I will get some golf stuff for Christmas but I hope not to get a "Twilight Tracer" which is a light-up golf ball.

"This breakthrough technology has revolutionized the golf industry. Tracer provides the high performance aerodynamics, control, accuracy, feel and distance you expect from a professional quality ball, but flashes brightly when you hit it, and then flashes continually for about five minutes enabling you to find hour ball easily, or even play golf in the dark."

Well, if the ball could holler "fore" when it sensed it was headed for someone, I can see some possibilities. Maybe an add-on option.

Anyway. I'm headed for bed and some sweet dreams. Wish me luck. I know the holiday nightmare is coming but hopefully not until real close to Christmas Eve.

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