My Christmas List

It's two weeks before Christmas and I still haven't had my annual nightmare. So instead of fooling (phooling?) around with "The night..." thing I am concentrating on my gift list. What I want for Christmas and what I don't want. If Santa could be so kind I would like to have:

A special clapper––one which could turn off cell phones and two-way walkie-talkies within a range of about 100 feet. I promise I would use discretion and not clap off any important calls...house on fire, death in family, lost child, late for wedding, car problems, etc .etc

Needless calls in the supermarket, Wal-Mart, Target, Gottschalks, Walgreens, 99-Cent Store, the bank and any restaurant, even the Golden Arches. Would be prime targets.

Next that special clapper I would love to find is a device to flash messages to stupid, dumb, inconsiderate, obnoxious and careless drivers. The messages would be flashed on the dumbass driver's windshield or instrument panel. The device must have a switch allowing the message to be sent anonymously or with the name or description of the sender. "The guy in the blue car you just cut -off, you dumbass," or "the guy who just called the cops with your license number." Under the tree or in my Christmas stocking I would really be happy to find some more socks. Special socks, of course, socks with some kind of sewn-in devices which would set off an alarm if the pair ever is separated by more than 20 feet.

My wife usually buys me nice socks, nothing fancy, many times in similar, but not exactly the same style and color. I have only one or two pair which have any holes. She tosses them, when she locates them. But I have two dresser drawers filled with single, non-paired socks. I won't throw them away, clinging so persistently on the faint hope that the mates, at least a few, will magically re-appear. I have doubts about the existence of the Easter Bunny and the Great Pumpkin but can't seem to give up hope on the Phantom Of The Socks. I know he, or she, is lurking somewhere and will make an appearance with a basket full of my socks. I only hope his or her arrival comes while I can still put on my own socks...matching socks.

In the meantime my wife, or Santa, or both, will deliver a few pair of new matching socks again this year. That should hold me until, March or April...depending on how the Phantom of the Socks behaves.

And last, but probably the most practical of my needs, is a homing device for my reading glasses. I do not need glasses to see, only read. Last Christmas my wife gave me a six-pack of 1.75 reading glasses. Not expensive but oh so helpful. Two and one-half pairs are still in working order. But at lest six to eight times a day, I have to hunt for a pair. I have tried to use neck-straps but I forget where I left them too.

A homing device, like the kind used on TV remotes, would work just fine. This is a hint to Santa. This is a Big Hint to Santa. My list, pholks, is not long and not expensive.

My Don‘t Want or Need List is short:
No Salad Shooters.
No Chia Pets––even the new 2004 and 2005 models.
No electric jar or bottle openers.
No blinking golf balls.
No cell phones.

Since I've gotten these things off my chest, I can relax. I know the nightmare is coming, like it always does, but I'm mature enough, for the time being, competent enough to handle it.

I expect to really enjoy the holiday and sincerely hope that all you Pholks, have a happy, safe and enjoyable holiday season P.S.: I wear a size 8 shoe so it will be easy for anyone to find the correct sock size. I like dark colors.

 

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