March 2, 2005
That's All Pholks
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
But no, pholks, that doesn't fit in our screwed up society of today.
In case you haven't heard, or seen or read about it, the big wigs at Warner Brothers have been bitten big time by the "extreme make over bug" and are "re-imaging" Bugs Bunny...the Roadrunner, Daffy Duck and the rest of the Looney Tunes gang we all have loved for decades.
Pholks, I'm not pulling your leg. This is a crisis. This is an ambush. This is sickening. This is perhaps the stupidest thing I can think of.
Facing stiff competition from the Cartoon Networks, Nickelodeon, and the Disney Channel and other assorted kid programming, the Warner Bros are reacting daffier than their loveable duck could ever dream about.
According to the entertainment experts the WB executives are remaking their classic characters into what are being dubbed "Loonatics," sending them to the year 2772 as futuristic crime fighters.
I've seen sketches of these new things. They are stylized beyond belief. Bugs, who will now be called "Buzz" isn't furry, gray or loveable or even semi-cuddly. No, he is black with yellow eyes, slick black skin, sharp ears and paws. One description of the new "Buzz" uses the term "exoskeleton" to describe the bunny body. Too early to tell, but I doubt that Buzz will ever eat a carrot.
I'm not making this up pholks... you haven't heard the worst. I don't drink anymore and my wife will vouch for my semi-sanity. (she's a good wife}so believe me when I tell you about the rest of the "Loonatics." The WB group has come up with Wile E. Coyote, the epitome of a loser, is now to be known as Slick. The Road Runner, the devilish trickster who always turns the table on the Coyote, is now the Roadster while the Tasmanian Devil becomes "Spaz." Lola Bunny is now "Lexi" and Daffy Duck is, now get this, "Duck."
Of course, since our former lovely characters are to be futuristic crime fighters, each has special crime-fighting powers. I'm afraid to even consider what those might be.
But whether I want to know that, I won't have to wait long. How long will it take to have millions of toys, lunch pails, backpacks and super-sized cup forced on us from every direction? etc. Fast food outlets will be slugging it out starting any day now.
I can just see kids growing up thinking that Buzz Bunny is what a rabbit looks like: Sleek, jet black, with yellow eyes and deadly long ears. The new "Duck" will be like no duck any of us have ever seen. Something called "Daffy" just has to look Daffy, a quality which simply is inherent to the species. Duck as a futuristic fowl crime fighter does not compute.
I consider the whole "re-imaging" thing a sacrilege. It's like replacing the pitch fork with a gas-powered weed eater in the hands of the man in "American Gothic" or depicting George Washington crossing the Delaware in a 650-horse-powered speed boat.
Why not paint the Golden Gate Bridge purple and yellow? We can only hope that the Warner Bros don't buy Mount Rushmore and give the presidents an extreme make over to reflect the times. I really don't spend much time watching cartoons, but I will always love that Rascally Rabbit and laugh like hell when the Roadrunner (aka Roadster) gives out a "Peep Peep" while poor ‘ol Wili E falls to the bottom of the canyon knowing darned well a boulder will smash him into the ground seconds later.
Of course my favorite my pal Porky Pig stuttering out that great phase, "Tha,, ..tha thats all pholks."
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