My Almost Christmas Nightmare

Although I'm writing this a little earlier than normal with almost a dozen days left before Christmas I'm wondering if my annual Christmas nightmare has finally ended it's long and painful run.

My television viewing habits have changed very little but, pholks, I have seen just one Clapper advertisement, only two or three Chia Pet commercials and zero, nada, zippo, none, Salad Shooter ads.

As most of you pholks should know, those three products have been my yuletide season nemesis for many years. Getting nothing for Christmas is better than getting one of those things under the tree. Maybe Santa has gotten a belly full of those things and refused to deliver any of them anywhere in the world. Santa has always had my respect and always will. He has to b do things he really doesn't enjoy, but that's part of life. Also he's a married guy and likely does what the Misses requests, most of the time. Maybe Mrs. Clause has grown weary of the Clapper, the Salad Shooter and is sick and tired by facing Chia pets on her nick-nac shelf. She has her hands full dealing with all those mischievous elves who often run around with little to do most of the year This woman has to put up with an aged, white-haired chubby and sometimes sickeningly jolly fella who wants to be served milk and cookies every evening of the year (This might sound familiar to a certain woman in my life) and could probably care less about shooting her salad and having the lights go off and on in response to all the elf and Santa's workshop noises.

So if Santa and his staff aren't placing orders to the Shooter, Clapper and Chia Pet makers and the demand by gift buyers has dwindled, perhaps there is no use to spend big bucks advertising.

The other consideration is that everyone on earth has got one of those things along with at least one cell phone. Of course the ads for the most up-to-date cell phones, iPods, and Blackberries are exceeding the definition of obnoxious.

Although my nightmares have backed off so far, I'm still a little skeptical, perhaps due to my journalistic experience as well as my distrust in holiday marketing. A sensible guy can't be too cautious. I've learned to expect the unexpected. Like most pholks, too many times in my life have I have thought a major obstacle or concern was solved only to run into a bigger problem at the worse possible moment.

I can just see myself out on the golf course enjoying a round with my buddies, teeing up my ball when all of a sudden some nut with Chia Pet green hair armed with a salad shooter runs up demanding my specially marked golf balls, all my tees, my four-wood, sand wedge and ball retriever. This thought has crossed my mind several times in recent days and is almost to the stage of obsession, almost like my Christmas nightmare.

I've become so consumed by this dreaded potential event, I've taken steps just in case it happens. I have a plan for action. I will take out my hy-bred club, my most accurate, and take dead aim at the green-haired salad shooter bandit and, in self defense, would beat him with it. If the cops come and question me after taking the injured guy away and ask how many time I struck him I would say, “With my Mulligan, put me down for a five.” And I will clap, clap, clap.

Merry Christmas to all and may the New Year be even better than this one.

Miles can be reached at mshuper@valleyvoicenewspaper.com