Melissa, Pt. 2

For those of you pholks who read the last column you should be pleased to know that Melissa is still alive–though not well, and I've traveled some on the path of helping her retrieve the $3.5 million stashed in a bank somewhere in Europe.

For those who somehow missed the column due to looking for lost socks, bathing the dog, getting the cat fixed, watching "Desperate Housewives" or shelling walnuts, here's what is happening.

I got an e-mail about two weeks ago, one of those who very few pay any attention to. This woman, "Melissa Pointer" or so the writer claims is in Kenya, dying of cancer and needs help in retrieving the millions her late husband banked a few years ago before falling ill for four days and dying. Melissa needs an honest God-fearing person to get the money so it doesn't fall into the greedy hands of her late husband's family. She wants to support orphans, the church and widows, etc. That's it in a nut shell (walnut, probably).

Now for the update.

Although I know this whole thing is a scam, I chose to play along and responded within a day or two.

In part, my response included the following:

"I received your heart-tugging message and I must say I truly would like to help. Please understand that I too have been the victim of those who care not about others but only for themselves. To help those who are in need is perhaps the most rewarding experience a person can have. I offer to give you or your attorney more information about my background, at your request...

" Later I continued with: "I feel your pain and share in the grief of not being able to do all the work our savior has destined for good people like you—and myself."

After another brief e-mail exchange I failed to immediately respond to the next one, Melissa sent a note asking if all was okay with me—she was worried that I might be not be okay.

I replied saying I had been busy getting my financial matters in hand but was ready to "get it done" in reference to helping get the money and working on her "project" for the widows, orphans and churches.

Well pholks, I then returned an e-mail to Melissa's attorney Patrick Dwayne Chambers (Esq.) and said I was awaiting further instructions.

Here is part of his reply: "Attention Client, I have been briefed in proper by the lady Ms. Melissa Pointer and I have decided to help this lady at all cost's (sic)

Well as you should know, we are talking about you retrieving the sum of $3.5m from this Security firm/private bank in Europe and I suppose the lady must have told you that you will be rewarded for this assistance with a certain percentage of this amount. (Please confirm that you are satisfied with this)."

The sole reason I'm getting involved in this project is because I know that it is 100 percent legal and also risk free as I was a member of the team of delegates that made this deposit in the lady's name."

He goes on to say, "The only suggestion and advise which I have for you is that you must make sure that you do not disclose the details of this project to a third party considering the fact that this might result in a lot of complications arising."

Of course, the attorney requested I provide personal information such as marital status, age, gender, my occupations and a copy of either my international passport or driver's license. A fax number was included.

Well pholks, this is where I will exit the path to help poor dying Melissa who probably is some sleeze ball e-mail nerd with an ugly sister, unmatched socks, a hampster and no social life whatsoever who only changes his or her underwear when the seasons change.

But I think I will take to heart the part about not letting any "third party" know about this project.