Christmas Shopping

Starting a week or two before Thanksgiving, anyone can listen to, read about or watch the predictions of what kind of Christmas shopping season to expect.

There are hundreds, maybe even thousands, of pholks more than ready to paint a gloomy shopping season and an equal number who see a big spending holiday.

You might want to check this out for yourself if you've got the time or the interest. But I, for one, have developed my own Christmas shopping prognostication indicators. I don't need no stinkin' complicated financial trend charts or any such semi-educated guesses.

Nope, I just pay attention to the holiday ads, especially television and radio varieties.

As most of you know, or should know, I have been haunted by my least favorite holiday ads – Chia Pets, Salad Shooter and the Clapper – ever since I had a full head of hair, all my teeth and perfect eyesight.

The point is the number of ads for these three despicable gifts is directly proportional to the kind of shopping season will unfold. Television stations have their AccuWeather, Super Duper Doppler and StormTrak weather forecast systems. I have my Super Shuper Shopping Scooper System (SSSSS) which is not really high-tech but seems to work pretty darned well. I should mention that my system is solar powered—I sit in the sunshine sipping an ice tea or diet soda after a night of television watching and note taking. If it is too foggy, I go to the coffee shop for my refreshment and good lighting, instead of solar energy, and contemplate my findings.

The way it works is that I can predict what kind of shopping season it will be by the number of ads I've seen touting each of the Terrible Trio of Christmas gifts.

I predict overall sales will be up this year despite some economic woes which have ruined the housing market, put gasoline prices out of sight and caused employment cutbacks by major firms.

It won't be a great year but I bet the sales will be up 3 to 4.7 percent based on the results of the SSSSS.

First, I began seeing Chia Pet ads before Thanksgiving. Last year there were very few. There were also a couple Clapper and Salad Shooter commercials on the tube before Turkey Day. The early start is significant because these ads are aimed at buyers wanting low cost-items and who have no imagination. This indicates to me that there will be more overall shopping on all levels of buying.

Secondly, it doesn't take a lot of gas to shop for any of these items which generally can be found at the nearest drug store, strip mall or on the Internet.

The third reason is that those who want to desire to give a gift which just keeps giving can rely on any of the Terrible Trio.

Green hair or whatever it is that grows on the Chia Heads keeps growing for quite a while if it gets enough water. And there are now Chia Pets for your pets, a new wrinkle and a new market for the stupid things. Salad shooters don't get much use therefore having little wear and breakdowns. Also, it is likely that the person you gave one to several years ago threw it away even though it was perfectly operational.

The Clapper has few moving parts, is easy to use and can provide a form of entertainment for those who have no other source of fun. The grandkids, your weird uncle's trained seal and some pholks who have no life at all might get a kick out of the device.

All these factors should result in brisk Terrible Trio sales this year, creating a trickle down effect to other shopping.

If you recall, last year I noted that I saw few ads for any of the Trio leading me to think that everyone already as at least one of each or that iPods, X-boxes and other more high-tech items were pushing the trio to the rear.

Even though last Holiday Season my nightmares were less frightening and less frequent than in prior years, I anticipate more this year and I'll blame the resurgence of TV ads.

So pholks, when you listen to, watch or read the post-season sales figures don't be too surprised if the numbers I gave you are pretty darned accurate.

And don't even think about being cute and buying me any of the Terrible Trio items as a token of your affection. I will trash it and you will have wasted your money. I'd rather you made a donation to a needy cause and clap your hands and don't worry about lights going on or off.

Maybe I'll sleep better despite the nightmares.

Miles can be reached at mshuper@valleyvoicenewspaper.com