Christmas Shopping Part II

I have a few more days to make my Christmas shopping excursion which generally takes two or three hours.

I've been one of those fortunate pholks who shops year 'round and has all but one or two gifts purchased before all the Thanksgiving leftovers are consumed. She takes care of family and friends leaving me with just my several surprise gifts to purchase for Christmas. I generally know what I'm looking for and have several shopping sites in mind so I don't spin my wheels too long. I also usually can pick early morning hours for my “shopping.”

Last week, one of my coffee shop buddies handed me a copy of one of those messages copied from the Internet. It not only is clever but oh so true. Every guy in the coffee shop nodded in agreement, chipped in their two cents with a grin.

So, with acknowledgement to the unknown author, I offer this thought-provoking message:

“Men Are Just Happier People. What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.  The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

“Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress: $5,000. Tux rental: $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 second flat. You know stuff about tanks.

“A five-day vacation requires one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

“Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyles last for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

“You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

“You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

“No wonder men are happier.”

So pholks, I leave you with those thoughts along with my best wishes for a terrific and safe holiday season.

 And, if you just happen to see me on the 24th during my shopping spree and I'm not smiling, don't worry, I really am happy and only having a lapse of memory about the joys of manhood.

Miles can be reached at mshuper@valleyvoicenewspaper.com