Junk E-mail

“Are you alone?”
“Kills dangerous bacteria dead.”
“Check out bling, bling watches.”
“Master's degree in any subject.”
“Get your degree in any field.”

First of all pholks, It's nobody's business whether I'm alone and I don't see any bacteria lurking around (I'm sure it's there, but I'll let it ride) nor do I need a master's degree in any field if it's that easy to get, and I already have a dozen watches I don't wear. I couldn't care less about bling.

I take personal offense at the tons of junk e-mail I get everyday. Sure pholks, I know it's a massive problem for practically everyone who uses the internet. It simply makes me highly urinated. It's a real pain I endure every morning.

I only use e-mail at the office where public exposure to e-mail addresses is pretty wide-ranging in most offices. The bombardment is overwhelming. The junk e-mailers now even use co-workers or related computer sites as source sites trying to fool us.

I will not dignify discussing the subjects of at least 50 percent of my daily garbage the computer spits out. Suffice it to say I don't need more women attracted to me, my tummy shape is what it is and most all my other parts seem to be working okay (knock on wood). Bending low to pick up things is a chore but everything considered, I'm doing okay. When I need help, I'll look for it. Weeding through all this junk can give you a headache, upset your gut and hike up blood pressure, but I'll buy my own aspirin locally.

But what torques me the most is the extent to which these e-mailing twits are reaching to lure attention to their really stupid messages – things like: “Is 8 p.m. good for you tonight?,” “Message returned,” “Responding to your call,” “Alert from CitiBank re: your account,” “Birthday party” and “Classmate reunion.”

But even without those rude, crude, disgusting and terribly annoying e-mail subjects, the daily pile of garbage e-mail appalls me. It's out of control. There is no control. Control me before I do something drastic. You get the point, right?

I'm certainly no genius even though I've learned my IQ is almost in the three-digit range, but I just hate being considered dumb enough to fall for the landslide of stuff which speeds through the internet faster than tabloid gossip.

They crank out this stuff so fast most words are spelled wrong, there is no grammar and punctuation is rarer than chicken dentures.

It's almost a game where these parasites try to see just how gullible we are becoming.

I firmly believe that these internet predators simply are having a feeding frenzy gorging themselves on our collective lack of common sense and our stupidity. What's more alarming is the fact that if it weren't working and reaping results, it would stop. Maybe we are dumber than we think.

Pholks, I'm more frightened by this than the swine flu or whatever the next strain of that stuff is coming down the line. There is no stupidity vaccine. No pills for dumbness. Well, I probably shouldn't say that because they may be hawked via the internet and I deleted that batch of junk.

And excuse me for being so selfish, but having to use up what common sense I have simply to weed out trash messages each day makes me feel violated. It took me too many years to nurture and grow the common sense seeds my parents provided me to now have to use them to escape from such asinine stuff.

Miles can be reached at mshuper@valleyvoicenewspaper.com