A Lean Christmas

I've seen the sure sign that this Christmas season is going to be a lean one, pholks, according to my sure-fire indicators.

Brace yourselves 'cause the chances of unwrapping a Chia Pet or a Clapper Christmas Eve or Christmas morning are growing faster than the number of affairs of Tiger Woods.

For the last couple of years, the number of television commercials for those dreaded so-called must-have gifts has slowed down, much to my delight. Especially rewarding has been the practically non-existent Salad Shooter ads. I recall seeing only two or three pushy ads for what is billed as a “cannot do without kitchen aide” last year. So far I haven't seen a single one this season. But, don't be surprised if the Salad Shooter ad people reload and jump on the “care enough not to send the very best, but just a token” bandwagon. Heck, I've even reloaded myself by putting fresh batteries in the remote control to ensure the mute or channel change buttons don't fail me.

The gradual slowdown in Chia Pet and The Clapper ads, coupled with the near shutdown of Salad Shooter promotions over the past two Christmas shopping seasons, certainly lifted my spirits. But pholks, from what I've seen this year, this season seems destined to cause a relapse of large proportions. I'm focusing on good thoughts and trying very hard to not have the holiday season spoiled by the bombardment of my sanity from the terrible trio: The Clapper, the Salad Shooter and the never-say-die Chia Pets.

Those Chia things just keep growing and growing and not just that green, fuzzy hair-like stuff. Did you know that there are George Washington, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama Chia heads? But wait, that's not all. How about a Statue of Liberty Chia Pet? I'm not kidding pholks, those are real items. And if you've run out of people to send Chia Pets to, (or have received terrorists threats from those you have sent them to) you now can give 'em to you pets, especially your favorite cat.

A special formulated Chia concoction to provide your cat with “essential vitamins and folic acid” will aide the poor thing's system, remove hairballs and freshen breath while also providing a clawing exercise pad. Of course, we can't forget the herb garden and good old Chia head standbys. These things just won't go away. I wouldn't be surprised to see Chia cemetery plot grass, the ultimate going away gift. My wife wouldn't dare.

The Clapper people, who apparently are related to the Chia clan since they are on the same website, are pushing the remote control version of the Clapper system. Clapping is not required. Batteries still are, as is a remote control to turn on lights, the TV, the Christmas lights, the outdoor lights and just about anything else. I can applaud the creativity without turning something off or on. Is this a great country or what? Of course we must realize these things probably are made in China, Taiwan, Vietnam, India or other places by people who can't afford a TV, holiday lights or things which need clapping or push-button remote controls.

Like many others, my family is cutting back a bit on holiday spending while continuing to give gifts which fulfill a need – despite the renewed push for the Chia Pets, the no-clapping-required Clapper and possibly the Salad Shooters which might still be lurking in the holiday shadows.

I ain't buying any and I ain't accepting any and I hope none of you pholks will.