Twittering

I've been called a lot of things over the years, but I don't recall ever having been referred to as a “Twitterer” which is, of course, one who “Twitters.”

I've learned never to say never, but I have no plans, aspirations or even remote desires to Twitter. Besides, pholks, shouldn't someone who Twitters be referred to as a twit – which the American Standard Dictionary, describes as “a silly, annoying person”?

At times, I'm sure I've acted like a twit, but then who hasn't?

A twit at times, but a Twitterer, I ain't.

Today, a “Twitterer” refers to someone who uses the latest social networking and micro-blogging service. It's often referred to as a SMS, short message service which is free to users over the Internet.

Call me old-fashioned, call me over the hill and I won't twinge. To re-fracture an already fractured phrase, I'll put it this way: “Twitter, I don't need no stinkin' Twitter” to stay connected and up to date. You've got your texting, “MySpace,” “Facebook” and all the blogging you can handle. Keep'em. Keep'em all and don't even think about Twittering me. Leave a regular message, call back or leave a number. If it's that urgent, call the cops, call the FBI, call the CIA or call the coroner.

I do my social networking the old-fashioned way. I talk to people, I listen to people. I talk directly in person or on the phone. I listen the same way.

Knowing anyone's every move is not important. Nobody needs to know anyone else's every move. Some people already know more about me than is necessary. I don't have much to hide, but that's not the point.
Who cares? Probably someone we don't want to care. If I really want to know something about someone, I usually can find out. It's my job and as they say in those Nazi and other war movies, “Ve hauf vays of finding out.” Twittering not included.

So if you're driving on Highway 198 and someone is passing you, smiling or eating a taco or petting the ribbons on the ears of their poodle, or licking an ice cream cone, keep it to yourself or at least 'til later. I don't care right now and probably won't care later either.

I don't even know if my plain old cell phone would allow me to Twitter. It's not that I might be too old to Twitter, I simply choose not to. I am announcing today that I will not seek nor will I accept the nomination to be known as a Twitterer.

Adding to the absurdity of all this stuff is that those who Twitter send one another “Tweets” which are text-based posts of up to 140 characters in length. These are displayed on the users profile page and delivered to other users who subscribe to them. Those people are called “followers.” See where we are going, pholks?

You've got some “Twitterers” who are “Twittering” by sending a “Tweet” to his or her “followers.”

This fad is big business but just how big is sort of a trade secret, it seems. The company Twitter, Inc., does not release the number of active accounts. One research firm estimated that Twitter had 4 to 5 million users in late 2008. Early this year, another survey listed Twitter as the third most used social networking system, putting it in the range of 6 million users with about 55 million visits a month.

I'm sure there are some practical “big business” uses for this stuff, but certainly not a big percentage of business uses.

I look at it this way: Play by play is great for sports, but what Joe the Plumber, Susie Society, Tina Bopper or Harriet Housewife might be doing at the moment can wait, at least a while. They need to get a life. If they are so hard up and have to Twitter to get through the day, something is wrong. It's an ego thing. But it's my ego and I'll do what I want.

Tweet that.

So here it is pholks: Even though I hope never to Twitter, I don't want it ever to be said, “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

It's just that I choose to say, as the Chairman of the Board said, “I did it my way.”

Miles can be reached at mshuper@valleyvoicenewspaper.com