Chia Pets Return

Here I go again Pholks, paying my non-respects for the poorest choice of yuletide giving: the Chia Pet, the “gift” idea which won't die.

Despite what appeared to me to be a leveling out of the Chia Pet frenzy in recent years, the obnoxious marketing of those things seems to be on some sort of growth hormone again.

This holiday season seems destined to be the worst ever, if you haven't noticed. I'm considering alerting Homeland Security and the National Center for Disease Control to issue warnings.

Over the years I have conducted a non-scientific survey of holiday shopping trends based on the marketing of the green moss growing things. My study also has targeted the Clapper and Salad Shooters. The problem has been, and still is, that I can't figure out what my studies prove, if anything.

Among my assumptions are:

-Tight shopping budgets result in increased sales of such items.

-High volume gift giving and shopping means more sales.

-Consumers are feed up with the things and they will eventually go away.

-No one except those aged 18 months to four years would ever keep a Chia Pet or other Chia items more than three weeks.

But despite all my television monitoring efforts the only thing I can conclude is there is no logical conclusion. I have assumed people are buying these things when money is tight and the marketers go crazy. In years when holiday spending picks up, the marketing seems to lag until the final days of holiday shopping when pholks are desperate.

The only thing I have proved is that my research and monitoring means nothing. A waste of time and effort is all I'm left with. I've become somewhat paranoid and maybe just a little suspicious that there is a world-wide plot imbedded in the Chia seeds they put in those things.

That green hair could be an evil substance engineered to control and ruin the minds of us all.

Consider some of the evidence:

Why aren't most consumers sick and tired of those things? If pholks weren't buying them the company would give up its obnoxious marketing and not spend millions of bucks promoting them.

Do any of you know of someone who has every asked for a Chia pet?

Have any of you ever written a thank you note to someone, including Santa, who gave you one?

Do any of you have one on your office desk, your fireplace mantel, your desk at home or bedroom night stand?

Have you ever seen anyone on the “Antiques Road Show” on public television seek an estimated value of a vintage Chia?

Is there an heirloom Chia which has been handed down from generation to generation in your family? (If the answer is yes, you should not mention it to anyone who can't keep a secret).

I'm becoming more and more convinced that this whole Chia thing is a big perpetual joke which has made hundreds of millions of dollars for a few twisted entrepreneurs.

The thing which irks me the most, however, is the extremes to which the marketing of the darned things have reached.

I don't give a green-haired Chia's rear end what political leanings you might have -- those Barack Obama, George Washington and Abe Lincoln Chia ads with the America flag and patriotic music in the background are far, far, far too much to handle.

The Sponge Bob Square Pants, the sheep, and the “cat grass” Chias are bad enough, but the Presidential thing is simply insulting.

I could see a Lady Ga Ga Chia, which might prove to be a little less obnoxious, but still stupid.

So pholks, I guess if I can survive this year's Chia attack I can handle just about anything.

I can't confirm this, but I have heard there are plans for next holiday season for the premier of Chias with special wireless applications. Be prepared for the “Texting Chia,” the “GPS Chia,” the “E-Mail Chia” and “Twitter Chia.”

Maybe our last hope will be a Clapper which will make the Chias go away.