Secrets

The problem with secrets is that it's almost impossible to say “no” when someone says, “Can you keep a secret?” Whenever someone dangles that question in front of me, I'm always so anxious to hear the secret, that I automatically say “yes”, without really thinking about whether I can keep a secret or not. In the back of my mind, I think to myself, “Well, I'll decide that later.”

What would be more honest would be to say, “Let me hear your secret first, and then I'll let you know if I can keep it.” That doesn't work too well either, since it's not like someone can un-tell you a secret once they've already told you.

A lot of times when I hear a secret, my first reaction is to run and tell my best friend. I know I just said I “wouldn't tell anyone”, but my best friend isn't “anyone.” She's my best friend. So, she doesn't count.

I'll try to do my best to keep the secret at first, but if it's a really juicy secret and I just have to tell someone, I'll call up my best friend and say “I've got this secret. I promised I wouldn't tell anyone, but I'm dying to tell you. I'll tell you if you promise you won't tell anyone else.”

Of course she agrees, because she's dying to hear the secret, too. But then the question arises: What is your best friend's definition of “anyone else”? Your best friend might have another best friend or a husband or a boyfriend, which in the minds of many women, don't really constitute an “anyone else.”

In the best possible case scenario, your best friend won't tell anyone else. But there's another case scenario. What if you have two best friends, and one best friend tells part of her secret to you and part of the secret to the other best friend and makes you both promise not to say anything, including to each other. It's practically torture. You know your other best friend knows something, but in order to find out what she knows you have to tell her what you know. So, what do you do?

This is a real test of will. But say you resolve to keep your best friend's secret no matter what and you really don't tell anyone else. What if, somebody else lets the secret slip and you get in trouble for it? It's just not fair. You've worked so hard to keep this stupid secret. You might as well have blurted it out in the first place.

 The next problem that can happen with secrets is this: What happens when your best friend stops telling you secrets because she doesn't trust you and you find out she's telling them to someone else?! That's cause for a “relationship talk”. And when you decide to confront your best friend about not telling you her secrets anymore—after you promised the other “someone else” to not say anything—you're confirming both of their worst suspicions about you—that you can't keep a secret.

(Readers can e-mail Lisa at lisal@thegrid.net.)