Inchers vs. Divers

There are two types of people in the world. (Well, actually there are more than two types. There are the people who group people into types and the type of people who don’t.) Then there are inchers and divers. Inchers are those up tight people who insist on inching into cold water inch-by-inch. Divers, are of course, those carefree (or some people might say, careless) people who dive right into the water head first without thinking how cold the water’s going to be or what the inherent dangers might be lurking just underneath the surface. They’re the type of people who after they dive in, cheerfully shout to the rest of us nervous inchers on the shore, “The water’s great! Come on in.”

And then us inchers will say, “Is it cold? Is it cold?”

“No, it’s not. It’s great. It’s so refreshing,” the divers say.

Of course, the water is not really great. It’s actually freezing cold. But the divers are either too hardy and fun loving to admit this, or else they’re lying to us. But then again, in reality, the water isn’t that cold. If you inch into anything, eventually you’ll get used to it no matter how cold it is. In real life, that can be a good thing or a bad thing. It’s a good thing because you inch into situations slowly and carefully. But it can be a bad thing, too because by the time you’ve inched into something, you’re not even sure if it’s a bad thing or a good thing because you’ve gotten too used to it to decide. Divers sometimes have the right idea. They dive into a situation, decide they like it or don’t like it and then either stay in or get out. And that can be a good thing or a bad thing, too. It’s good to be decisive, but sometimes divers make up their minds too quickly before they’ve spent enough time thinking about it.

As an incher, I have to say that the people who annoy me most are the ones who are cannonballers. Sometimes cannonballers are kids, which is okay of course, because they’re kids, but a lot of times cannonballers tend to be obnoxious adults who’ve drunk way too many beers at the party and the ones who want to prove how obnoxious they are by doing a huge cannonball into the pool and getting everyone else wet.

Then, there are the splashers. Splashers, you want to avoid at all costs. These are the people who are so self-involved that they think that just because they had the courage to get into the icy cold water first, that everyone else should get just as wet just as fast as they did. They have no respect for personal boundaries or for personal velocity. If someone makes the mistake of splashing me, that’s probably the last chance they’ll ever get. Usually, it’s not a problem, though, because I tend to cultivate friendships with other inchers, who are for the most part other inchers or else tolerant divers who are not splashers.

I know that some divers and/or splashers out there who may have a low opinion of me. Their biggest complaint about me would be that I’m no fun which could be true, depending on whose perspective you were looking at it from. They may also happen to say that I spend too much time getting into the water and that by the time I get in, they’re ready to go home. So, if I’m just starting when they’re just finishing up, that can be a real problem. That’s why I think that when men and women meet, the important questions they should ask each other, are not what their morals, political beliefs, religious beliefs are, etc. They should first and foremost ask each other whether they are inchers or divers. And if someone’s a diver, you might just also want to ask if he’s a splasher, and if he is a splasher, whether he’s willing to change his ways.

The problem with people asking these questions is that the questions get asked (and answered), either not soon enough, or else way too late.