The Fine Art of Listening

When I was in college at UC Berkeley I got voted by my college classmates as the person most likely to forget what was just said five minutes ago. That, and the person most likely to get marooned on a desert island alone.

I'm not sure what that all says about me. What I do know is this: Just like everyone else in the world, I am somewhat self absorbed. That is to say, that I probably only listen to about 20 percent of what people say. Most of the time when I'm listening—or pretending to listen--to what someone is saying, I'm too busy thinking about what I'm going to say next in response to what they're saying. But of course, it's a little hard to respond to what someone else is saying if you're not really listening to what they're saying.

There are other times too, when I'm not even really listening the full 20 percent. Sometimes, I'm just nodding politely, not listening at all, just thinking of something else entirely. Sometimes I think I can get away with this and then just change the subject to the thing I want to talk about once the person is done talking. It seems easy at first.

You just nod your head, saying “yes, yes” as the person occasionally says for emphasis, “Do you know what I mean?” and you say, “Oh, yes. I know exactly what you're talking about.” Of course, this becomes a little uncomfortable if the person's story goes on for longer than you thought or if they ask you a question, like, “What do you think about all this?”

There are other times, too, when you realize at some point, deep in the conversation, that what the person is talking about is important—like when they say, “And that's when Jack killed Stan and ran off with the million dollars.” At this point, it's a little too late to ask, “Who's Jack?” and “Who's Stan?” But, being the reporter that I am, sometimes I'll try to recoup the missing information without the person knowing what I'm doing. So, I'll ask some type of “reporterly” type question, like “When did this happen?” or “Where was this again?” hoping to get the person to inadvertently repeat some of the crucial facts, so I can somehow catch up.

I've been caught out on this before, though. Once, a friend said to me, “Sometimes I think you're not listening to a thing I'm saying. And then at some point in the conversation, you realize that what I'm saying is important and then you try to make me repeat the entire conversation just so you can know what I'm talking about.”

So, yes this is true. And why shouldn't I admit to it? At least I'm being honest. It's kind of like opening up a book that's not really all that interesting and reading it semi-consciously for the first 50 pages until you get into it. I think the author should be flattered that I bothered to stick with him/her for all that time until I got really interested. Of course, most people don't look at it quite like that when you admit you haven't been listening to them. And then when I try to explain my rationale for not listening, whoever I'm talking to is probably so fed up that they've in turn stopped listening to me.

(Readers can e-mail Lisa at lisal@thegrid.net.)