How to Get the Happy Face Blues

I don't mean to sound unsociable or rude, but I hate it when someone tells me to smile.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not against smiling or people who smile. I like to smile and, in fact, smile quite a lot. But, when someone tells me I must smile, I feel like they're running a nine-inch metal nail down a chalkboard to drive me insane. I mean, if I wanted to be smiling, I'd already be smiling, right? So, why should anyone tell me to smile?

Actually, I've always thought smiling is overrated. It has certain hazards—things that people who tell you to smile, never stop to think about. Smiling, for instance, causes wrinkles. It also hurts after a while when you walk around for hours with a frozen smile fixed to your face, saying, “Great party, isn't it?”

Maybe I could make more of an effort to smile. My grandmother always used to say about me: “Look how wonderful she looks when she smiles. She should always be smiling.”

But, what honest, sane person can smile all the time? You never know what someone's thinking when they're smiling; whether they really mean it, or whether they have other intentions.

Politicians smile a lot. So, do psychotics. Who can forget Jack Nicholson in the movie, “The Shining” with a great big smile on his face and a mad gleam in his eye, wielding a sharpened axe, saying, “h-e-r-e'-s Johnny!”

Or, what about the comments you get from neighbors of serial killers: “Oh, but he was such a nice, friendly man….always smiling.”

My theory is that maybe if serial killers were able to let off a little steam once in a while instead of always worrying about having to smile, maybe they wouldn't be out killing people.

Other people's smiles can make me feel like killing. Like for instance, the person at the check-in counter at the airport who tells me, “I'm sorry, ma'am. There's nothing we can do for you. Our policy is that you have to check in 40 minutes before the flight. You're one minute late. You'll have to take the next flight—six hours from now.”

As I argue with her, the smile on her face grows wider and wider as my face gets redder and redder.

But, what am I to do? Call up her manager to say, “She's smiling too much at me!”

What I'd really like to do the next time someone tells me to smile, is grab them by their shirt collar and shout, “Don't' tell me to smile!”

Someone might interpret this as me being hostile. But, it would make me feel better. Then, I would truly be able to smile.

(Readers can e-mail Lisa at lisal@thegrid.net.)